Growing up sucks.
Now that term 3 is almost over, I figured that it is about time that I reflect on my teaching practice and really look back at my time spent in school the last 6 months or so. And I don’t know why. Maybe it is a bad day, maybe it’s cos I’m feeling emo but I’m particularly contemplative tonight. So if you aren’t quite in the mood to read something heavy and serious then perhaps you should give this post a miss.
Warning… verbal diarrhea ahead.
I think that it is days like this that make me feel so thankful that this blog exists (best idea ever Ruthie). It’s become my escape to share my joys and sorrows, vent frustrations, gush over movies, fashion, latest trends… and basically talk about things that I’m passionate about. Things that actually seem so mundane, ordinary and trivial but really, it has kept me sane. In researching and typing a post every other week, this blog has allowed me to shelve my work and prevent it from completely taking over my life.
And believe me, I am not exaggerating. Teaching is one profession where the lines between public and private are blurred. I take work home, I talk to students outside school, sometimes I get that emergency email or text message that I simply can’t ignore. It’s just SO DIFFICULT to separate that teacher persona from who I am outside school and sometimes I can’t reconcile them both. There are times where I talk to Mark in the same way that I do to students, ESPECIALLY when I’m trying to explain something. My voice slows down, I pause alot more, I speak in this kindly tone (not that I don’t do that to Mark regularly but you get what I mean la huh), I tone down my verbose language and Mark absolutely hates it. I dunno, maybe it’s a mild case of split personality that I’m suffering from. But one thing is for sure. No one told me about all this before I entered the workforce.
I guess everyone dives in pretty much head-in and we all harbour some degree of wonder (I refuse to say naivety) and aspiration that we could leave our mark on this world and be somebody. You know, be the change you want to see happen. But I think the past 6 months have shown me that there is a limit to how much I can do especially since I’m a tiny little plankton in this huge ocean but hey, that’s the civil service for you. Gotta work your way up. But really, my main concern isn’t about the climb, the competition, the office politics which admittedly, are very real issues. My main concern is really, disillusionment. I fear it. I fear that I may be one of those disillusioned teachers that leave the service. That scares me.
I’m so afraid that my passion, my drive, my twinkle in my eye when I talk about kids, my fire in the belly when kids piss me off… I’m afraid that one day it will evaporate and I’ll be left shriveled and dried up. *shudders* I think there’s a fine line between having professional distance (and not allowing the kids’ behaviour to affect you outside school) and actually building physical distance (because you just don’t give a shit anymore) between you and the students. I hope I never have to cross that line. I hope I don’t ever grow hateful and resent the system so much that I lose sight of what I’m doing and forget about the child’s interests.
And I guess that’s all part of growing up right? Being afraid of the future, of what you don’t know. Aside from work, there’s also my wedding that I really have no energy to think about. I think I’ve come to a point where I couldn’t care less about what flowers I have or what pew bows I need or what my invites really look like. I always thought that I was a detail-oriented person and given that it is such an important milestone in my life, I would actually want everything to be perfect. But no, I just can’t wait to get it over and done with. I mean, the preparation is SUCH a hassle and at the end of the day it is the marriage that counts isn’t it? I didn’t think that I would ever think this way. My 18 year old self was a total Bridezilla and she would surely chastise me for my supposed lack of enthusiasm. But I guess people change. Priorities change. And I just want to fast-forward the nitty-gritty bits of wedding planning, interior designing, renovation and the like and just BE married.
I think another reason why I’m feeling so blah is because my weekdays is consumed with work, my weekends are fully booked- marriage counseling, running errands for the wedding, catching up with my family… and as a result, I don’t have proper time to actually TALK and catch up with friends. Thankfully Mark and I still find time in between to have heart to heart conversations. In the car whenever he sends me to school, at night before we sleep we’ll chat for an hour. It’s little things like this that makes me feel heartened and makes me believe that despite whatever is happening around us, our relationship can withstand it.
But what I really miss or rather, who i really miss are my friends. Everyone is just so caught up in their little bubble. I mean, I missed a good friend’s birthday. Like, clean forgot for FIVE days until I saw someone comment on facebook (I am pathetic I know). It’s like TOTALLY unforgivable. Two other friends left to further their studies abroad and I didn’t get to say goodbye, and some others are starting their masters and I didn’t wish them good luck. I mean, that is majorly screwed up. And the sad thing is that there are no hard feelings among us because we all understand the universal fact: Life Happened. People drift apart. It’s okay. It’s normal. It’s understandable. But seriously, what a sorry excuse.
I know in life, you can’t have perfect balance. Something has got to give. But that doesn’t mean that I have to resign myself to that fate and accept it willingly. Sure I’m thankful that I’ve got Mark, my family, a job that I love. But seriously, I
want need friends too (yeah, I’m selfish like that).
And friends, let me just take this opportunity to say that I’m sorry I’ve been a sucky absent friend. I’m gonna try to do better and no matter what, I want you to know that you are IMPORTANT in my life and I hope that my life will be back on track and I’ll be able to better juggle the demands of life to MAKE TIME for you. So when I say, “let’s take a raincheck” or “let’s meet up soon,” I mean it :)
Okay, this post is wayyyy too long. Time to round up and head to bed. Argh. Headache.
I hate growing up.